This was the first time I wasn't dreading the new year. But January got messy, hearts got involved. I started learning things about myself and I didn't like what I found. On January 25th, Suntka came back.
February took a turn for the worse. There was so much expected from me. I loved unhealthily. This month was riddled with anger and confusion but God still spoke through it. I started running away. I learned to appreciate my family in a way that had never occurred to me.
In March, I turned 19. I stopped looking in mirrors. Work pulled me under. I let someone else hold me up for a while. I learnt so much about honour but I did not yet know how to put that into practice. in my dreams, I became too heavy to fly. My mind was hazy.
I started running in the mornings and it kept me sane. I learned how to lie without speaking. I started to regret my silence. Love's fingers are not cages, but his were. I was not proud of myself.
The church that I made my home is what held me together. May was suffocating. God held the answer but it was the question that bothered me. I was gaining knowledge but lacking love. I was hoping he would leave first but still, he sent me reeling. I was grateful to see Spring's face.
somewhere down the line, my co-workers became like a family. I let everything hit too close to home. as summer grew closer, I woke up. I stopped running away and started relearning what home really means. for the first time, I started realizing just how much other human beings meant to me. Christine told me she wasn't coming back after summer. I started spending a lot of time downtown. I told somebody “no” for the first time. June still held a lot of beauty.
July was a mess of saying yes to life and exploring the city and meeting everyone I came across. I was brave. The haze finally lifted. I met the group of people who would end up changing my life, though I did not know it yet.
August 1st was the last day I had internet at my apartment. It was a necessary, beautiful change. I went to festivals and concerts and read books and met crowds of new people. I started to question what it is to be fearfully and wonderfully made. I listened to a lot of spoken word.
September was a train wreck from the start. I saw no way out. but God picked me up off the floor. Our neighbour-friends moved in next door. I had to say goodbye to some incredible human beings. I told someone my life story for the first time and it ignited something in me. We started a Life Group. I started believing that it just might be okay to let other people in.
I watched myself change during October. I felt God burning in my chest. we invited another roommate to join our apartment family. at work, we got the news that a huge part of our jobs was being shut down. I started saying sorry. I began to understand the word 'community'. Church moved beyond just four walls.
My friends became a second family. Home was wherever we could all be together. I started fighting the perfectionism that consumed me. I learned about love languages and treading carefully. Brittany officially moved in. I did not live up to my own expectations. some old habits die hard.
December has been nonstop. I took the Myers-Briggs personality quiz and learned a lot about myself. I visited family, at long last. I cried for other people's sake. I didn't walk away when I should have. I let fear win too often. I have been trying to live more transparently. I am on a journey.
I regret how little I've photographed this year.
in 2013, I will start and finish a 52 weeks project.
I'm going to learn to be brave.